Ms. Manda

I try so hard in my life to be in control of everything. If I know something in my life is falling apart I try to do everything in my power to stop it from happening, and I get so stressed out because often times I forget that no matter what I do, I will never, never, be able to do things on my own. And if when I surrender the struggle to be in control over whats happening, and things still don't work out, then I need to learn to accept that it all happened for a reason. Often times I do not even have full control, and that's what bugs me more. The fact that nothing I can do will change anything, because I'm not that important. I'm constantly reminding myself that I can do nothing on my own. As independent and in control as I try to be, I'm nothing, and I have little say over the large matters in the world and even some of the bigger things in my life. Does this mean I need to stop trying to guide my life and just stop trying to do anything at all because what will happen will happen? No. Not at all. It does not mean that I can sit at home all day long and do nothing, because if it's the Lords will, then gosh darn it, it WILL happen and fall right into my lap. Say a job. or something like that. No, that will not happen if I am not trying myself. Following the example, a job. If I do not search for a job, do not make it known that I am in need or looking for a job, and I do not fill out applications and just sit at home, all day, because a job will fall into my lap, it's not going to happen. It's foolish to think like that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm slowly learning how to give up the wrong kind of control I want to have, yet keep the appropriate control. I try to hard to please everyone and keep people from being upset with me. This is a control issue. No matter what I do, someone somewhere will not like what im doing. And I will strain myself and end up being more stressed out and frustrated then i went into things. If you try to please everyone you will only serve to hurt yourself in the end. You can't be perfect for everyone. Especially when the two sides you're trying to please have different views. This has always been an issue with me. I suppose it all boils down to not getting my way? I don't know.

I just felt like writing this out. It's been dancing around in my brains for months now and with how often I manage to stress myself out, I felt it was well past due for me to write this out so I can read it and smack myself with my own words next time it happens. Plus my first blog entry pretty much sucked and I needed another to make up for it and get my blog on the road for reals.

{The title is from the song Masterpiece Theatre II, by Marianas Trench. And the photo is mine (: }